No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
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“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd