The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
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*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
is this a warning or an offer?
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
these two trucks have the same bed length
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Look at this
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce