*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
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[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
My wife gives the best headache.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
And that about sums it up.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.