*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
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If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.