*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
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Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
scenes of unspeakable carnage
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?