@camelSWAG69

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

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@WheelTod

[Dark alley at midnight]

*Knife-wielding punk approaches

Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”

*Punk sneers & raises knife

*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend

@BGH70

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

@jellybnbonanza

My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.

@NicestHippo

*writes “with my squad” under a picture of me and several cats”

@batkaren

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

@notacroc

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

@KentWGraham

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

@daddydoubts

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.