[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
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If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest