[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

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In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.


Him: Sir, you don’t have the experience or fitness to be a fireman.

Me: But, I got a mustache!

Him: That’s cat fur attached with frosting.


Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.


Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.


Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.


Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.


OK it’s like sure, I’ve MURDERED before. Big deal. Sue me. It’s not like I’m a MURDERER or anything. I only do it socially.


The scene in lady and the tramp but as our lips meet I carry on sucking. You feel the pasta travel back up your throat.
My pasta
My. Pasta


Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.


I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.