*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
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Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies