*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

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My boss said that we could go outside during the solar eclipse, but no time limit was given

*takes 8 hour lunch break
*raids liquor store


The awkward moment when someone’s zipper is down & you don’t know whether to tell, because you can’t explain why you were looking that low.


My dog wouldn’t shut up so I told him I killed the mailman. He was jealous but proud of me.


I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.