My boss said that we could go outside during the solar eclipse, but no time limit was given
*takes 8 hour lunch break
*raids liquor store
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
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summer goals vs reality
The awkward moment when someone’s zipper is down & you don’t know whether to tell, because you can’t explain why you were looking that low.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
My dog wouldn’t shut up so I told him I killed the mailman. He was jealous but proud of me.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?