*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
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It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a