[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
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[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
They grow up so quick
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.