i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
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Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
You, you dumb slob.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Michael Jackson would be 54 today if he hadn’t hired such a gifted nap specialist.
My son is 2,000 years old and still lives with His parents. #loser
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”