@PhuckinCody

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

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@jonnysun

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

@Lottie_Poppie

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

@Marlebean

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

@longwall26

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

@robdelaney

Michael Jackson would be 54 today if he hadn’t hired such a gifted nap specialist.

@hipstermermaid

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

@PetrickSara

Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

@SteveSuckington

“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?

“Exactly”