[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

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i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions


Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that


Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
You, you dumb slob.


Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.


Michael Jackson would be 54 today if he hadn’t hired such a gifted nap specialist.


You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.


Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.


“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?