*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
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Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Whisper out to librarians!
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t