@VeganZebra

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

You Might Also Like

@InternetHippo

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

@anjeanettec

Kanye West said being a rapper is like being a soldier or a cop but hey at least he didn’t compare himself to Jesus. Oh wait.

@saxbot

9 out of 10 people agree that it’s weird to stand on top of the toilet and ask them survey questions over the stall wall.

@NewDadNotes

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

@ItsLumberzack

extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like

@Coepacetic

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

@dubsteppenwolf

every time someone says “don’t give homeless people money, they’ll spend it on drugs” it’s like… so will I though??

@eyeswidebutt

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like to invite you to play Candy Crush.

@Brentweets

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.