me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
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Kanye West said being a rapper is like being a soldier or a cop but hey at least he didn’t compare himself to Jesus. Oh wait.
9 out of 10 people agree that it’s weird to stand on top of the toilet and ask them survey questions over the stall wall.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife: that’s fair.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
every time someone says “don’t give homeless people money, they’ll spend it on drugs” it’s like… so will I though??
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like to invite you to play Candy Crush.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.