*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
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When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.