My wife changed her relationship status to “irritated”
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
You Might Also Like
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Girlfriend catches boyfriend cheating
Boyfriend: WOOOW!!! So you gon believe your eyes over me?
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Anytime I see a happy white couple in their 30’s sitting in front of a laptop, I just assume they are filming a credit score commercial.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
I thought I saw Jesus in a cookie. But I was wrong. It was just a guy who looked like him.
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
M: And olive oil?
M: And baby oil?
*I turn out the lights and leave
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.