@adamrensch

*walks into Kinko’s*
YO I NEED A CAT SCAN
“I’m sorry sir, we don’t–”
*opens bag & removes a terrified cat*
I ONLY NEED ONE COPY. IN COLOR.

You Might Also Like

@Cheeseboy22

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

@LaComtesseJamie

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

@pleatedjeans

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

@buttnight

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

@Darlainky

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

@BruceForce

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

@Cpin42

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

@abbycohenwl

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

@TheToddWilliams

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers