If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
*walks into Kinko’s*
YO I NEED A CAT SCAN
“I’m sorry sir, we don’t–”
*opens bag & removes a terrified cat*
I ONLY NEED ONE COPY. IN COLOR.
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The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Me: Wanna role play?
Wife: Sure 😉
Me: You be the chef/waitress and I’ll be the custom..WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
We all make fun of Kristen Stewart for her wide variety of facial expressions, but she’d probably kick all our asses in poker.
client: i’m nervous
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
attorney: you said you were innocent
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
You got busted lying about how big it is, no worries we’ve been doing that for years.