Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
You Might Also Like
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
I’m confused about plants
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken