@adamrensch

*walks into Kinko’s*
YO I NEED A CAT SCAN
“I’m sorry sir, we don’t–”
*opens bag & removes a terrified cat*
I ONLY NEED ONE COPY. IN COLOR.

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@ieatanddrink

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

@NicCageMatch

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

@Kyle_Lippert

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

@amanda_poops

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Wanna role play?

Wife: Sure 😉

Me: You be the chef/waitress and I’ll be the custom..WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

@Home_Halfway

We all make fun of Kristen Stewart for her wide variety of facial expressions, but she’d probably kick all our asses in poker.

@OllyiConic

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

@AndrewNadeau0

VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!

@truegritrumble

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

@thatUPSdude

Oh Subway

You got busted lying about how big it is, no worries we’ve been doing that for years.

Sincerely;
Guys