[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

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If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.


A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.


God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*


Me: [holds up bazooka]

Friend: what’s wrong with you? we’re just duck hunting

[across the field]

Ducks: [setting up grenade launcher]


It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.


A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.


Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.


Women’s magazines:

20 pages “accept yourself”

40 pages “loose 30kgs in 4 weeks”

Cake recipes..


A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?