me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
You Might Also Like
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.