[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]


14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

You Might Also Like


*coughs like a maniac*
*pretends to pick nose*
*scratches armpit*

Things I will do on the bus so no one will sit next to me.


When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.


me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine


JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine]

ME: woa!! thanks jesus

JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW


why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god


[haunted house]

ghostly voice: Get Out!!!

me: I love that movie

ghostly voice: FFS


date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*


I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.


Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!