@BoomBoomBetty

[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

You Might Also Like

@amazymay72x

*coughs like a maniac*
*pretends to pick nose*
*scratches armpit*

Things I will do on the bus so no one will sit next to me.

@clindsaysway

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

@FredTaming

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

@jonnysun

JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine]

ME: woa!! thanks jesus

JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW

@aparnapkin

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

@English_Channel

[haunted house]

ghostly voice: Get Out!!!

me: I love that movie

ghostly voice: FFS

@continentlbkfst

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

@DiabloJodi

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!