[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
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Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids