*coughs like a maniac*
*pretends to pick nose*
Things I will do on the bus so no one will sit next to me.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
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When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine]
ME: woa!! thanks jesus
JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
ghostly voice: Get Out!!!
me: I love that movie
ghostly voice: FFS
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!