[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
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my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Ok but actually
respect
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no