[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
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Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.