*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
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People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.