*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
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Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
brian had himself a morning…
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now