*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

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This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread


The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.


People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks


My dog is so passive-aggressive. She let me sleep in late this morning, but then counter-surfed and stole my breakfast.


My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting


My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.


I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”


Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]


A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.


When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.