*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
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Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island