@Gupton68

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

You Might Also Like

@LostCatDog

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

@UncleDuke1969

The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.

@jessokfine

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

@NotARatsAss

My dog is so passive-aggressive. She let me sleep in late this morning, but then counter-surfed and stole my breakfast.

@Petote

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

@ThatMummyLife

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

@markydoodoo

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

@EllaZee5

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

@krishna_van

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

@jackmackenroth

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.