*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
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[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.