*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

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My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.


Interviewer: would you you call yourself a hard worker?

Me:absolutely. I make almost everything harder than it has to be.


Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]


NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money


– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!


Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.


Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.


People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.


Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do


you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.