My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: would you you call yourself a hard worker?
Me:absolutely. I make almost everything harder than it has to be.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.