@ATorres2181

*walks in
*wife is murdered
*looks at mirror
(Written in blood)
YOUR NEXT

“My next what?

*from the closet
“Oh sorry typo I meant you’re.

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@NicCageMatch

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

@david8hughes

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

@iQuoteComedy

What do we want?” “A cure for ADHD!” “When do we want it?” “Squirrel!”

@Home_Halfway

Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends

@junejuly12

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

@L8yK8y

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

@thenoahkinsey

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

@ElleOhHell

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil