I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
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me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.