@agathagotstoned

*walks out into irradiated air using an antique porcelain teacup as a gas mask*

*dies instantly, but with a touch of class*

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@sarcasticmommy4

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

@ColesTwitt3r

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

@bobvulfov

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

@TheDailySchmuck

*makes third wish*

Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women.

[Transformed into really nice handbag]

Dammit.

@EJT___

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

@seamussaid

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

@a_simpl_man

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

@MandiAtRandom

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

@ClichedOut

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies