When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
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STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
my proudest tweet
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
he looks great for his age
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes