Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
*walks out into irradiated air using an antique porcelain teacup as a gas mask*
*dies instantly, but with a touch of class*
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Just blocked all users from Central & South America. I doubt this “Zika” virus can spread thru social media but why take the risk?
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
*boss at staff meeting*
Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting?
Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
I’m far too cute to only have one ex-husband.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.