*walks out into irradiated air using an antique porcelain teacup as a gas mask*

*dies instantly, but with a touch of class*

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Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”


i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video


NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show


*makes third wish*

Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women.

[Transformed into really nice handbag]



When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants


my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon


We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption


Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.


Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.


One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.