@agathagotstoned

*walks out into irradiated air using an antique porcelain teacup as a gas mask*

*dies instantly, but with a touch of class*

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@BeardedRambles

Relationship status: Fumbled with a key for 5 mins trying to get it to fit into the lock the right way.

And I kinda moaned when it slid in.

@QwertyJones3

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

@djdarrellripley

My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…

@Tmoney68

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

@lovemyboots111

Apparently asking the boss ” who ignited the fuse on your tampon?” will get you sent to HR.

@animadvertguy

LAWYER: where were you Oct 13th?
ME: alibi school
LAWYER: can u prove this?
ME: wait, the 13th?
LAWYER: ya
ME: k no I was murdering that day

@MrAaronAbrams

I made fun of a lady swaddling her dog in a blanket and she overheard and turns out it wasn’t a dog it was her baby hey have a great Monday.

@juliussharpe

I hate when my congressman emails me to “take action” on an issue. Dude, you’re the one in congress, you do something.

@junejuly12

Him: What are you doing tomorrow?

Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.

Him: *sighs*

Me: Oh, you mean between meals.

@Gorilla_Turd

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.