*walks out into irradiated air using an antique porcelain teacup as a gas mask*

*dies instantly, but with a touch of class*

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Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.


Just blocked all users from Central & South America. I doubt this “Zika” virus can spread thru social media but why take the risk?


Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.


[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes


Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.


*boss at staff meeting*

Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting?

Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.


Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*


I’m far too cute to only have one ex-husband.


Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*


My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.