*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen* "Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect"

*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”

ME: Hey you haven’t talked to me lately, are you mad at me
FRIEND: No things are just really awful
ME: Oh thank god
FRIEND: What

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

You mean orgasms aren’t those Japanese paper artsy things?

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

*watching news report of zombie apocalypse*
Me: This is great. No work today!

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

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