*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”

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Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again


I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.


If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.


I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.


My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.


“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning


Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.


Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.


[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]


ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band