@isabelzawtun

*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”

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@TwinSurvivalist

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

@elle91

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

@tokyo_sexwhale

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

@SlabBaconBP

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

@zephyrs0phie

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

@rachelle_mandik

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

@SufficientCharm

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

@AmericanGent69

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

@upsidedowntrash

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

@panmidwest

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band