Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
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Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
boomers: video games teach kids that dying has no consequence, you can’t respawn in real life ya know
boomers 20 years ago: shut up and watch this coyote die repeatedly while attempting murder
Anybody else always feel at least a little panic when their 6 says he “really needs scissors, like right now!”?
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡