*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

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just found out that the name for a bat in old cornish dialect is ‘airymouse’ and literally nothing better can happen today.


Sex? When I saw you lying naked on the bed surrounded by candles I assumed you were performing a satanic ritual. What, I’m a mindreader now?


My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.


When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.


If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration


God: I made the sky a canvas, the sun & the clouds an ever changing painting of colorful beauty.

Devil: I made potato chips.


flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:


Walking out the door, my daughter tells me she can’t wait to see Ariel with the crabs.

Now I’m questioning which section I bought that DVD.