Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@dullandwicked

just found out that the name for a bat in old cornish dialect is ‘airymouse’ and literally nothing better can happen today.

@Tups13

Sex? When I saw you lying naked on the bed surrounded by candles I assumed you were performing a satanic ritual. What, I’m a mindreader now?

@ValeeGrrl

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

@GrantTanaka

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

@KngHnryVIII

If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration

@better_off_dad

God: I made the sky a canvas, the sun & the clouds an ever changing painting of colorful beauty.

Devil: I made potato chips.

@omarIoya

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

@clichedout

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

@SkinnerSteven

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

@CoopSoSarc

Walking out the door, my daughter tells me she can’t wait to see Ariel with the crabs.

Now I’m questioning which section I bought that DVD.