just found out that the name for a bat in old cornish dialect is ‘airymouse’ and literally nothing better can happen today.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
You Might Also Like
Sex? When I saw you lying naked on the bed surrounded by candles I assumed you were performing a satanic ritual. What, I’m a mindreader now?
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
God: I made the sky a canvas, the sun & the clouds an ever changing painting of colorful beauty.
Devil: I made potato chips.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
me: this is free, right?
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Walking out the door, my daughter tells me she can’t wait to see Ariel with the crabs.
Now I’m questioning which section I bought that DVD.