*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
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Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?