If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
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her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.