Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
[walks up to coworker’s desk]
I know I don’t say this often enough, but thank you for not showing me pictures of your kids.
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People that stop in the middle of the grocery aisle are my favorite.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Look deeply into my eyes and tell me what you see…
Is it an eyelash? Seriously, help me out, it’s killing me.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.