@Sarcasticsapien

[walks up to coworker’s desk]
I know I don’t say this often enough, but thank you for not showing me pictures of your kids.

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@BigHern

Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING

@HiddleDeeDee

People that stop in the middle of the grocery aisle are my favorite.

@Proxic0n

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

@Talkinghands69

Come close…

Closer…

Look deeply into my eyes and tell me what you see…

Is it an eyelash? Seriously, help me out, it’s killing me.

@_elvishpresley_

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

@squirrel74wkgn

Me (answers phone): HELL-o

Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83

Me: Please leave a message

@dhumann

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

@shashaintl

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.