I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
You Might Also Like
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Bloody internet 😳
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you