[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
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[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
not to brag, but mine was free
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
…..pretty much.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.