@midnightwhale

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

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@osno13

i have a heavy flow maxi pad in my wallet so it looks like i have lots of money

@TheAlexNevil

Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.

@DCpierson

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

@GUBLERNATION

accidentally stabbed a friend last night but a little later a different friend caught on fire and i put him out with my hand so i’m even

@shkeeber

Me: Objection! The plaintiff is a bologna sandwich!
Judge: What?
M: I plead insanity.
J: You’re a juror.
Me: Can I go?
J: No.
M: OBJECTION!

@LaurelRosenhall

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.

@rzarosco

Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. “You guys look like dumb idiots lol” says one Chinese guy

@bazlyons

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

@brynnester

Me: I have an irrational fear of things
Dr: Such as?
Me: Driving, Swimming and Underground Passages
Dr: You have Car Pool Tunnel Syndrome

@FatherWithTwins

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.