i have a heavy flow maxi pad in my wallet so it looks like i have lots of money
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
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Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
accidentally stabbed a friend last night but a little later a different friend caught on fire and i put him out with my hand so i’m even
Me: Objection! The plaintiff is a bologna sandwich!
M: I plead insanity.
J: You’re a juror.
Me: Can I go?
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. “You guys look like dumb idiots lol” says one Chinese guy
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Me: I have an irrational fear of things
Dr: Such as?
Me: Driving, Swimming and Underground Passages
Dr: You have Car Pool Tunnel Syndrome
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.