*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

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Husband and wife near wishing well. Suddenly wife slips and fell in the well. Terrified husband: Noooooooooo…I can’t believe it’s working!


If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.


I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.


Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”


[after first date]

Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again

Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people


Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”


I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.


The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.


“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.


Me *answers phone*: OH MY GOD, IT’S YOU! I can’t believe it, I missed you so much. I love you, please don’t ever leave me again.

My hairdresser: yeah so about that appointment…