[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
You Might Also Like
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.