*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
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applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
crochet youtube is brutal
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Buck naked
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do