doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
*walks up to IKEA return counter
*rips receipt into tiny pieces
*tells the clerk to put it together himself
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*Shoves a guy*
I think you mean the SECOND biggest “The Sound of Music” fan on earth, bro.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
*into radio* We’ve got a drunk man in the park who thinks he’s a lion tamer.
“SIR! PUT THE WHIP DOWN & STEP AWAY FROM THE CAROUSEL!”
I had to share this!!!
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Everyone who aspired to write the greatest headline ever can give up now.