@Alexclaimer

*walks up to IKEA return counter

*rips receipt into tiny pieces

*tells the clerk to put it together himself

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@russbengtson

The fact that Gunplay pulled a gun on his accountant doesn’t shock me nearly as much as the fact that Gunplay has an accountant.

@bourgeoisalien

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

@iGreenBabe

I like sleeping, it’s like death without the commitment.

@Soberphobiccc

Religious places never have free WiFi because no religion wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

@sixfootcandy

*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

@Jake_Vig

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

@Social_Mime

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

@wife_housy

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

@5hael

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

@Tmoney68

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.