Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
*walks up to IKEA return counter
*rips receipt into tiny pieces
*tells the clerk to put it together himself
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#have a #great #PancakeDay
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…