*walks up to IKEA return counter

*rips receipt into tiny pieces

*tells the clerk to put it together himself

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*Shoves a guy*

I think you mean the SECOND biggest “The Sound of Music” fan on earth, bro.


THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.


“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it


*into radio* We’ve got a drunk man in the park who thinks he’s a lion tamer.



[running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we’ve both moved on


confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands


[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn


Everyone who aspired to write the greatest headline ever can give up now.