The fact that Gunplay pulled a gun on his accountant doesn’t shock me nearly as much as the fact that Gunplay has an accountant.
*walks up to IKEA return counter
*rips receipt into tiny pieces
*tells the clerk to put it together himself
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[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
I like sleeping, it’s like death without the commitment.
Religious places never have free WiFi because no religion wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.