Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
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Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.