@Alexclaimer

*walks up to IKEA return counter

*rips receipt into tiny pieces

*tells the clerk to put it together himself

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@DomBorrett

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

@david8hughes

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

@abbycohenwl

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

@pharmasean

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

@ArfMeasures

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

@RuthePhoenix

People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.

@Lhlodder

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

@jenspyra

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

@WilliamRodgers

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…