*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
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I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends