[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
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Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you