Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
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“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.