I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
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I can never remember if my best foot is supposed to go forward or in my mouth.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
COLLEGE STUDENT: Mom wants me to be a doctor, but I really just want to be one of those people who takes your money at the bank.
COLLEGE STUDENT: I do but she doesn’t listen
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
*opens door to show you my enormous stash of apples*
“The doctors will attack soon, and I will be the only one prepared.”
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
It feels weird when someone congratulates me for quitting smoking, because it’s something nobody should do to their body.
Congrats on not drinking bleach!
Me: Thanks. It’s tough, but the Clorox patch helped.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.