[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
ME: haha Hump Day, amiright?
HUMPTY DUMPTY *rolls eyes*
ME: eh? *nudge*
HD: Dude don’t-
ME: eh? *harder nudge* EH? Oh shit
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DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Me: What’s for dinner?
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*fires up juicer
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”