her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
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Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.