@iamspacegirl

[Wall Street]

ME: haha Hump Day, amiright?
HUMPTY DUMPTY *rolls eyes*
ME: eh? *nudge*
HD: Dude don’t-
ME: eh? *harder nudge* EH? Oh shit

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@C00LpenNAME

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

@netflix

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

@mattZillaaaa

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

@jus4golf

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

@50FirstTates

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

@roxiqt

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

@ibid78

A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.

@NoogsCorner

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

@Ivsy01

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

@WheelTod

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”