Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
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“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S