@grimpossible

Walls are just sober floors.

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@DevilryFun

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

@Kendragarden

If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.

@thestlouisan

[Texting]

WIFE: Will you get coffee and a bagel for 6?
ME: He’s too young for coffee
W: Coffee’s for me
M: Where’s the comma?
W:
M: Hello?

@Scorpio1080

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

@BeckyKillinit

#IMustBeOldBecause I’m starting to give real world answers on my math test!

@dshack8

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

@whtedaisy

Decks. Because I like to be outdoors, but not like all on the ground and shit.