Walls are just sober floors.

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There’s a spider in my bathroom. I neither can kill it or capture it, so now it has its very own room in my house to raise its spider family


Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day

Me: ok, how many at night?


[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot


If this van’s a rocking it’s only cuz I practice karate in my van.


Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?


ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA


Her: I’m putting you in the dead zone

Me: Lol you mean the friend zone

Her: No


Mark my words, the amount of candles I’m gonna burn tonight is going to make ISIS think long and hard before doing any more terrorism.


*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*


Me: Siri, did you know millions of people misquote you on Twitter every day?

Siri: Tim, I want your polish sausage.