@grimpossible
@Snarfernini
There’s a spider in my bathroom. I neither can kill it or capture it, so now it has its very own room in my house to raise its spider family
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@Snarfernini
@cowboyjeffkent
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
@FrazzleMyGimp
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
@delusions_of
If this van’s a rocking it’s only cuz I practice karate in my van.
@erikbransteen
Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?
@iliezabeth
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
@tsm560
Her: I’m putting you in the dead zone
Me: Lol you mean the friend zone
Her: No
@GodfreyElfwick
Mark my words, the amount of candles I’m gonna burn tonight is going to make ISIS think long and hard before doing any more terrorism.
@thenoahkinsey
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
@timdonakowski
Me: Siri, did you know millions of people misquote you on Twitter every day?
Siri: Tim, I want your polish sausage.