Walls are just sober floors.

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Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.


If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.



WIFE: Will you get coffee and a bagel for 6?
ME: He’s too young for coffee
W: Coffee’s for me
M: Where’s the comma?
M: Hello?


The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person


#IMustBeOldBecause I’m starting to give real world answers on my math test!


My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.


Decks. Because I like to be outdoors, but not like all on the ground and shit.