@grimpossible

Walls are just sober floors.

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@ibid78

“Babe there’s something I’ve always wanted to do..”
*tenderly moves her bangs away from her eyes then scotch tapes them to her forehead*

@PatsATweetin

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

@blahfamous

Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”

@diarrhea

i think a group of white people should be called a brunch.

@bkdcasey

I told an ex of mine that i wished she was more punctual. So, from then on, she added !!!!!!! to every text. I have picked some winners.

@stuzario

Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house

@lmegordon

Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?

@leyawn

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

@turtledumplin

Why are so many people replying to my tweets with questions?

It’s a tweet, don’t worry there’s no pop quiz at the end.

@SuperTeeWhy

[Bar]
“Two long necks please”

Giraffe in the back: Wow. Did he just-

Giraffe’s wife: Cliff, he didn’t mean anything by it please sit down