There’s a spider in my bathroom. I neither can kill it or capture it, so now it has its very own room in my house to raise its spider family
Walls are just sober floors.
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Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
If this van’s a rocking it’s only cuz I practice karate in my van.
Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Her: I’m putting you in the dead zone
Me: Lol you mean the friend zone
Mark my words, the amount of candles I’m gonna burn tonight is going to make ISIS think long and hard before doing any more terrorism.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Me: Siri, did you know millions of people misquote you on Twitter every day?
Siri: Tim, I want your polish sausage.