Walls are just sober floors.

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“Babe there’s something I’ve always wanted to do..”
*tenderly moves her bangs away from her eyes then scotch tapes them to her forehead*


me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here


Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”


i think a group of white people should be called a brunch.


I told an ex of mine that i wished she was more punctual. So, from then on, she added !!!!!!! to every text. I have picked some winners.


Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house


Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?


a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock


Why are so many people replying to my tweets with questions?

It’s a tweet, don’t worry there’s no pop quiz at the end.


“Two long necks please”

Giraffe in the back: Wow. Did he just-

Giraffe’s wife: Cliff, he didn’t mean anything by it please sit down