@grimpossible

Walls are just sober floors.

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@Snarfernini

There’s a spider in my bathroom. I neither can kill it or capture it, so now it has its very own room in my house to raise its spider family

@cowboyjeffkent

Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day

Me: ok, how many at night?

@FrazzleMyGimp

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

@delusions_of

If this van’s a rocking it’s only cuz I practice karate in my van.

@erikbransteen

Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?

@iliezabeth

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

@tsm560

Her: I’m putting you in the dead zone

Me: Lol you mean the friend zone

Her: No

@GodfreyElfwick

Mark my words, the amount of candles I’m gonna burn tonight is going to make ISIS think long and hard before doing any more terrorism.

@thenoahkinsey

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

@timdonakowski

Me: Siri, did you know millions of people misquote you on Twitter every day?

Siri: Tim, I want your polish sausage.