If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
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[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?