[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
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Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Lmao
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way