Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
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hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.