Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
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Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage