Dream catchers imply the existence of dream pitchers, dream shortstops, an entire dream team.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
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me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
A perfect cake idea for someone you have absolutely no feelings for either way
Trying to open a Capri Sun is the longest relationship I’ve had in 2015.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.