Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
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Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.