@DumbConfessions

Walmart greeter smiled at me. Long story short, the weddings Friday.

Everyone’s invited.

Except Harold. HE said I’d NEVER find true love.

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@RonanFarrow

“I’m a great listener.” – The US government on a first date.

@IndecisiveJones

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

@daddydoubts

Toddler: happy birthday daddy!

Me: aw thanks buddy!

Toddler: it’s my birthday too?

Me: no your birthday is in December.

Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!

Me: no-

Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Me: but-

Toddler: SAY IT!

Me: happy birthday?

Toddler: thanks daddy!

@ch000ch

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

@DanMentos

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

@9GAG

when nothing goes right… go left

@stevevsninjas

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

@myonlymizztake

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

@NewDadNotes

*cat rubs against genie lamp*
G: you get one wish
Cat:*makes eye contact & slowly pushes lamp off table*
G: guess who just wished for a dog