Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
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im 7 sauces long
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Simple
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
this is what they would have looked like, though
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”