Walmart greeter smiled at me. Long story short, the weddings Friday.

Everyone’s invited.

Except Harold. HE said I’d NEVER find true love.

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Wife: My friend’s turkey died. She’s really sad. I want to bring her something. What can I get her?

Me: How about some gravy?


[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?


*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir


The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…


Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.


Hideous monsters for sale! Selling cheap! Crazy wild beasts! Won’t last long!

“Honey, stop trying to sell the kids.”


Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.