Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
You Might Also Like
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
A woman drives into a bar.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
🤣🤣💀
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.