Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
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We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.